Jessica is a psychic witchy mama, metalhead messy artist, tea drinkin’ moon worshiper and asskicking widow. She recently moved from Missouri to Oregon with her four year old little goddess. She has found joy and happiness in the next season of her life by surrounding herself with love and making the journey into the darkness when it calls her name. Find Jessica on Instagram and her Etsy shop.
I have defined grief many ways this year.
“A deep hole of darkness. A dangerous climb to the top. A journey with many winding turns.”
I heard him scream my name for help. I ran. I ran faster than I ever have had to in my life. I was forced to look Death in the eye and made to feel powerless as I heard my husband take his last breathe. I collapsed from exhaustion from trying to beat life back into his heart on our living room floor. My sister continuing the work as I saw his soul leave his body. I may have screamed but the descent into darkness was deafening already.
I allowed them to work on his body for an hour even though I knew he wasn’t there. I knew where he was. Watching over our daughter as she slept through it all. The flashing lights, the voices of a dozen people. My screams and cries to the Goddess to give him back to us.
I waited for them to tell me he was gone. Fears flooded my body as I snapped back into this realm. I whispered to my sister, “Don’t let me become like them.” I didn’t want to be swallowed by my grief and pain like I had witnessed my parents do after the loss of our infant sister years before.
I stayed awake for three days. I was the only one left to protect our daughter. I felt the tugs of others wanting to take control. I stayed aware of my surroundings and refused any offers to ignore the pain. I saw the journey ahead if I gave in just a little. I would not allow that to happen.
I took ahold of the power and love I held within. The power my ancestors before me were robbed of by grief and pain. The love my husband gave me every day for nine and a half years. The love we shared when we created our beautiful daughter.
I drew it all into my heart and began to fill the cracks of my heart and soul. I used my power to stand tall through the plans and decisions. I found my voice for the first time in my life. I said, “NO!” to those wanting to take away my newly acquired power.
I held my head up high as I carried my daughter down the aisle behind my husband’s casket. As I pushed my way forward I recalled the last time I had walked down the aisle, my soon-to-be-husband ahead of me smiling. Tears poured out of my eyes as my daughter came to realize her Daddy was gone. I heard the gasps and sobbing of three hundred people behind me. As the church listened to the service, I tightened my hold on our daughter. Then I stood and muttered my own prayers to the Goddess. I thanked her for giving me the greatest love I had ever known. I thanked her for allowing me to share part of my life with a generous man and father. I thanked her for the blessing of Life and Love and Joy.
Through it all my light never went out. It sputtered and threatened to be extinguished by my tears and cries of anguish. Countless times I screamed at the shadows, “No. You cannot have me!” I spent hours immobile on the bathroom floor. My body was in a state of withdrawal. Love is a drug that can be taken away without notice.
I fucking refused to be swallowed by the darkness. I tore my way through the sharp, thorny words and actions of others. I stood bleeding and bare to myself and my inner circle. I wrapped myself in the comfort of my loved ones and asked for what I needed without shame or hesitation.
I packed up my home of ten years and moved from the Midwest to the Northwest. I did so without obligation to explain myself to others. I did so because I saw that my life was my own. I did so because I fucking can and will do what brings myself and daughter joy.
I am healing the part of me left broken and tormented in the darkest abyss I have ever known.
I am peeling away the layers of sadness, loneliness, doubt, pain, heartache, shame, regrets and hatred.
I stand now in my true form.
Woman. Mother. Witch. Lover. Warrior. Goddess.
I stand amongst those who have come before. Athena. Isis. Inanna. Freya. Gaia. Durga. Mother.
I am She and She is me.
I give thanks and praises to those who have surrounded me with unconditional love.
Those who SEE me as I am.